To Be With

on being invisible

How shall I begin, after 4 months of radio silence?

Hi. I’ve missed you! I’ve missed being able to show up and be completely vulnerable and honest. For me, keeping stuff from you feels like lying, and I HATE lying—so it’s easier for me to just not write at all. Perhaps, complicating it even more, I’m realizing that for quite a while, I’ve been lying to myself.

Some of you may have noticed the signs already, sprinkled throughout my posts—that things have not been so magical in my magical relationship. I love this person so damn much, and would have done anything for him—and I did! I left Montreal, the last affordable apartment I will probably ever set foot in, my cushy job, my friends, my country, and my beloved UberEats deliveries of Asian food. I sold my first violin, bought a used car, and went on antidepressants to help stabilize my moods, when things got tough. I cleaned and organized his entire house. I brought home food and cooked healthy meals. I got him supplies from the pharmacy when he wasn’t feeling well. I carried his 70 lb dog outside multiple times a day to use the bathroom at the end of his life. I lent him money that I will likely never see again. I organized all of his tax documents from the last 5 years, so he wouldn’t feel so daunted by the giant mountain of mail standing between him and a pretty sizeable return. I helped him file a bunch of really scary paperwork, that if left unaddressed, could have lead to very bad things.

(The other day, I asked him to bring the wheelbarrow over to me while busting my ass in the vegetable garden that I planned, planted and funded all by myself, but he just didn’t have the time. He was on his way to so-and-so’s to pick up a check.)

Most of all, I made myself small. When he would spend entire nights in the basement, doing who knows what; not replying to my texts for days, listening to my pleas for more quality time together—any at all, really—but never taking action, I would silence that part of myself that was crying out for attention. I’ve gotten so used to being alone in this relationship, that I let myself forget what I actually want, and dare I say, deserve?

I want connection.

A while back, I read a couple of chapters of Bell Hooks’ “All About Love,” and I found her definition of love to be really beautiful, yet, unrealistic—at least from the place I existed in at the time. She claims that love is a verb—to love, is to offer care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. It involves nurturing one’s own and/or another’s spiritual growth, and actively working towards the well-being of yourself and/or another.

She boldly stated that many of our childhoods were actually devoid of love, based on this definition. Ouch?

I’ve been reflecting on my definition of love lately, and how it has differed from a couple of my primary romantic partners.

The one I dated from 2018-2019, “the one who broke me,” as I often add for new people, explained to me that “I love you” means “I need you.” At the time, I felt honored to have someone so chronically independent “need” me, to feel so safe with me that they could admit when they needed help. But it didn’t feel quite right.

I asked Ben recently how he defines love, while reading the above chapter in Hooks’ book. “I think, it has something to do with how I feel when they’re gone. Not like, a mutual break-up gone, but gone-gone. You know?”

I get a flash of how often he neglects me while we’re in the same house, but then can’t WAIT to see me and hold me again, when I’ve been gone for a few weeks.

My definition of love, is just three words. I saw them together for the first time in Anne Lamott’s book, “Operating Instructions,” where she wrote about her first year as a single mom, and all the incredibly conflicting thoughts and emotions that come with that experience. While holding her newborn son, it dawned on her that maybe love simply means, “to be with.”

What does it mean to love myself?

To sit with my inner child, to listen, to make the space for every part of myself, even the parts that I once banished as ugly, or undesirable. The needy part, the anxious part, the selfish part. Lately, that includes the angry part.

To be with.

This is what I want from a partner, too—someone who will just be with me, in the same space, willing to ask questions, to listen and understand, to keep learning who I am. To hold me in their arms, to have adventures together, to support me through the difficult times in a way that I am able to receive, in whatever way they are able. I am standing here, ready to offer this in return.

Might I also add, that it would be wonderful to have a partner who is in therapy?!

In any case, I think we can learn a lot about a person by how they define love. To define love as “needing” someone gives me the impression that this person doesn’t see themselves as whole without a romantic partner? Or that, they don’t interpret love as something to be offered, or experienced even—but rather, taken. His was a love that stripped me of all my nutrients.

To define love as how one feels about someone after they’ve gone, tells me that this person is not willing to make any kind of effort in the present moment. They’ll miss me when I’m gone, but while I’m here, I might as well be invisible.

Love is: a hand-written note in a pizza box

Spoiler alert: I’m not willing to be invisible anymore.

I will share more about the last few months in future posts, but I just wanted to break the ice, and check in with you all.

What hard thing have you been navigating lately? Do you feel supported? If not, what resources could you tap into to feel more supported?

Personally, I think I’m entering a renaissance of female friendship. It has been so hard for me in the past to ask for help, but here I am now staying in a friend’s RV on her gorgeous land with unadulterated peace and quiet to rest and reflect; I’ve found an amazing therapist; and I’ve been having just the most wonderful conversations with women lately. I love how easily we gush with each other about how much we adore each others’ company, lift each other up, make plans, and then actually DO THEM?!?

Crazy!

crazy, personified

Just a heads up that I will be turning paid subscriptions back on. I appreciate your support SO GODDAMN MUCH! (Have I mentioned that I quit my job at the general store so I can focus on my coaching business?) For just $5/month or $50/year, you are helping this little weirdo take care of her basic needs so she can spend her energy figuring out how she can best support other people in this crazy fucking time.

Oh god she’s gone into 3rd person.